Coping with the Loss of a Pet

Jun 16, 2025

black and white american pitbull terrier mix puppy — Photo by Roxy Penny on Unsplash

Last week, one of my fur-babies passed away. He was my baby boy. To say I’m heartbroken is a complete, absolute, and utter understatement. (Stock photo above, but that could be him.)

Early one Saturday morning eleven years ago, someone jumped into my back yard, which is completely walled off, and left an eight-week-old Pitbull terrier, sick and emaciated, and left him for dead. My wife and I took the pup to an animal hospital immediately. He had parvo and was on the decline. The vet said that parvo is the puppy-killer, and that if he didn’t rebound soon, they’d likely have to euthanize him.

They needed a name for him, so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind: Bruno.

For the next couple of days, I waited anxiously for the animal hospital to call, dreading the news of Bruno’s prognosis.

I was teaching the moment they called and saw the subsequent notification that a voice message was left.

I was terrified to listen to it, but I did. It was one of the hospital veterinarians, and he simply said, “Bruno’s ready to go home.”

We picked him up at the hospital, and his tail flickered when he saw us. The vet said that Bruno unexpectedly made a huge U-turn and recovered. So we brought him (Bruno) home, not actually intending to keep him because we had a house of six other dogs at that point, but after a few days, it was clear that he was ours forever.

Bruno was ecstatic about being with us and especially with our wolf pack. Like most dogs, he loved to be outside, and he loved walks, hikes, treats, and lovies and cuddles. Everyone who met him fell in love with him.

Over the years, our clan of pooches, which mostly consisted of a stray mama we adopted and some of her pups, along with a couple of other strays, whittled down as one by one each succumbed to age and disease, and we picked up a couple of new ones along the way, but each passing has been infinitely more difficult than the previous one.

This past January, my wife noticed our baby boy’s belly looked a little bloated, so we took him in to get checked out.

Hemangiosarcoma.

According to a veterinarian on PetMD.com, it’s “an aggressive form of cancer that develops from blood vessels. It can occur anywhere in the body but most often affects a dog’s spleen, heart, liver, or skin.”

“Symptoms of hemangiosarcoma vary depending on the body systems involved. Hemangiosarcoma tumors are composed of abnormal blood and blood vessels that are fragile, invasive, and easily ruptured. When a tumor ruptures, it hemorrhages into a body cavity like the chest or abdomen, causing many of the clinical signs associated with hemangiosarcoma.”

Hemangiosarcoma is a terminal prognosis. Our vets advised us to try a Chinese herbal supplement called Yunnan Baiyao, which, they admitted, had no clinical evidence to support its usage, but doctor word-of-mouth had promoted it, and pets with hemangiosarcoma seemed to do better and for longer. I also admit that I don’t know the mechanisms, but it’s supposed to help stop catastrophic bleeding. According to Wikipedia, it's “marketed and used as a hemostatic product in both human and veterinary alternative medicine.” It seemed to work for us for a time.

Our vet gave our baby boy Bruno 1-3 months to live, but he made it to almost six full months. I won’t go through the details of his passing, but it happened, and despite having experienced this several times, I’m not dealing with it well.

We’re not pet-owners. We’re fur-parents. Our fur babies are as much as our family as anyone else we share blood or familial ties with. If you’ve had one since they were a neonate or a youngling, you’ve raised them, seen them grow and mature, seen their personalities develop, and have likely fallen in love with them.

And if you’ve ever lost one of your fur-babies, I sincerely offer my condolences, sympathies, understanding, compassion, and support.

In the 300, when Leonidas kicks the Persian messenger into the well--that’s how I feel: having been kicked into this new reality, to the bottom of this vertiginous pit of despair, now drowning in sludge and darkness and anxiety.

Whether it’s the humans or animals in our lives, everyone’s time is limited and finite, and it’s when they’re gone that their significance really hits us. Our time together is so brief that it’s like waking from a dream, trying to hold on to something intangible and ethereal.

Did it really happen? Were they really ever here?

The Flexitorium is centered around all things health, and even though most of that is nutrition and fitness-related, there are times when mental health comes up, so it occurred to me that there must be some literature out there on coping with the loss of a pet.

Fortunately, there is.

First, you’re not crazy.

“Animal owners who experience the death of a beloved family pet or companion animal may experience feelings of grief and loss that are synonymous with the death of a human.”1 And “pet owners experience great sorrow and trauma due to the death of their pets. The stronger the attachment to pets, the more severe the separation pain caused by pet loss.”2

The second quote comes from a paper called “Relationship between Attachment to Pet and Post-Traumatic Growth after Pet Loss”. In the paper’s introduction, they review some of the previous literature on the positives that pets bring into our lives:

“Owners accept them as members of the family, share many aspects of their lives, and feel happy through their relationships with pets.”
“Raising pets improves physical health and helps one communicate with others. In other words, pet caregivers feel less lonely than those without pets, and their interpersonal relationships become more active.”
“It has also been reported that elderly people living with pets experience less depression than those who do not.”
“Relationships with pets play an important role in raising positive emotions.”
“Since pets provide unconditional affection to humans, people can relieve tension and stress through interactions with pets and increase happiness by obtaining emotional stability.”

In “Grieving the loss of a pet: A qualitative systematic review” (the first quote in this section), the authors note that, despite all these positives, there are a couple of emotional downslopes with our pets and their lifespans.

“Most pet owners are aware at the time of bringing the pet into their lives that they will most likely outlive the pet, given the shorter life spans of most domestic animals, and therefore grief can be almost anticipated from the outset of the relationship, known as anticipatory grief.” Obviously, this can occur with subsequent pets.

Moreover, “this repeated experience of bereavement, coupled with a sense of disenfranchised grief, can have mental health impacts for those seeking to recover from the experience of loss.” What often adds to this, the authors continue, is that pet owners often find themselves in the position of having to determine the time and manner of their pet’s death via euthanasia.

In the studies of pet loss, grief, and bereavement reviewed and analyzed in this paper, the authors found five consistent and salient themes.

Relationship: “One of a significant bond… [which] was created through numerous elements, such as being present during major life events like divorce or miscarriage, unconditional love and acceptance, the meeting of rational needs such as companionship or reducing stress, or being a dependable teammate during times of conflict. This bond made the animal appear ‘irreplaceable’ to some owners and occasionally created a sense of interdependence where both humans and animals influenced one another.”
Grief: “Described in many ways, such as ‘feeling lost’, ‘emptiness’, and ‘having love’ for the deceased animal. It was a grief that had no time limit and could be socially isolating, and could be equally as difficult to face as the death of a significant human. The grief experienced could involve physical symptoms of feeling sick, loss of appetite, and nightmares, as well as time off work.”
Guilt: “While the decision to euthanize could be considered a compassionate choice to make, others would reevaluate their decisions afterward and question whether they made the correct decision. Validation or encouragement of the decision by a vet or counselor was considered an important component in minimizing guilt and reaffirming their decision.”
Supports: “Discussing their feelings of bereavement was viewed as a means to reduce psychological pressure… [and] good support networks allowed greater posttraumatic growth. Family and friends were a key source of support. This support assisted coping by allowing the owner to maintain conversations about the deceased, acknowledge their grief as real, and keeping participants busy.”
Their Future: Considerations of possible future pets were common. “Positive lessons learned from the experience of pet bereavement included: perseverance and resilience; feeling closer to family and others; development of self-reliance, courage and personal strength; a stronger appreciation of life; and the cherishing of memories.” Still, there were some negative lessons that came up, such as some questioning their faith, triggers of negative emotions, and “some participants (an unspecified small number) became stuck in the experience of grief, resulting in social detachment, depression, anxiety, and poor insight into their experience.”

In another paper, “A Literature Review: Pet Bereavement and Coping Mechanisms”3, the authors found some factors that could influence the grief response.

Women tend to have and report (emphasis: report) feelings of despair and also tend to seek help and counseling compared to men. Young people--adolescents and children--who typically have fewer experiences with death, are more likely to have a more complicated grief response, as are elderly who have experienced the deaths of many. A sudden death of a pet was more associated with anger-related grief.

This review paper also found five consistent and prevalent themes throughout the literature on pet loss and bereavement:

Isolation: “Increased emotional distancing and social isolation are symptoms of grief associated with pet loss, and bereaved pet owners commonly choose to mourn their loss privately.” To help with this, “self-compassion as a coping mechanism may benefit bereaved pet owners by buffering social constraints and psychosocial outcomes, thereby lessening grief symptoms, decreasing negative social interactions and improving psychosocial functioning.”
Social Support: “Social support is essential to prevent the development of a complicated grief response and may help facilitate improved quality of life and positive growth following pet loss.” To accomplish this, grieving pet owners might further speak with veterinarians, who are likely to show compassion and empathy but will reassure them about the end of the pet’s life. Pet owners might also refer to counseling, especially in a group setting where they can share their thoughts and feelings with others who have similar experience.
Continuing Bonds of Memorialization: These “include looking at photos, reminiscing over memories, talking to the deceased, preserving their possessions (e.g., leash, blanket) and writing letters to their pet.” And “children grieving the loss of a pet may benefit the most from participating in activities that draw on internalized continuing bonds, such as holding a memorial service, writing stories about their pet or planting flowers in an area the pet liked to spend time.” However, if these occur shortly after the pet’s death, they can be associated with feelings of distress. Also, the authors found that, although not a common practice, “bereaved pet owners who do participate in a burial or find ways to memorialize their pet experience increased comfort and benefit from a positive mental state.”
Religion and Spirituality: On the one hand, “The pain experienced during grief can often result in a ‘crisis of meaning’ where the bereaved searches to make sense of their loss.” On the other, “grieving pet owners may turn to religion to help cope. The belief in an afterlife for pets promotes resilience during the grieving process. Bereaved pet owners find reprieve in the knowledge that their animal is now free from pain and in a ‘better place.’”
Relationships with Other Animals: “Companionship from other animals can be beneficial to the grieving process as some pet owners may derive purpose from caring for another life. Bereaved pet owners who have more than one pet often find comfort in caring for their remaining living animals.” Surviving pets also help pet owners experience greater appreciation for those pets.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably experienced a little bit of each of these. They come in unpredictable waves and in differing proportions.

I’ve experienced the deaths of several pets, family, and friends, as well as some colleagues and even a few students over the years. Each experience is unique. It never gets easier, but I do know that the pain, grief, guilt, anxiety, and distress will dissipate with time, which always makes me feel guiltier, like I’m moving on with life without those who’ve already gone.

What I do know about these experiences is that this is all normal, and the pain reminds me of our short time here and that we have to make the best of it while we can, with everyone we love and care about.

Our pets are our family, our companions, friends, and children. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

Love. Appreciate. Grieve. Heal.

The Flexitorium by Joseph Anthony

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